The Life of Holden :(or the SAGA of the IDLE MIND)

Morning Pill # 18

2010-06-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

in one of our afternoon pre-siesta talks, i asked the question that would bring my perception to a crashing halt. a hard stop. epic fail. before, i go ahead and unveil the one question, i feel i need to bring some frame into this canvas of paint.

it all started with a website. stuff white people like. now would be the best time to open a new window and google that phrase and visit the site. it is a hilarious, tongue-in cheek look at not just 20 to 30something white people but elitism and the pretentiousness that comes with it. i read through the site and snickered and laughed at the self-deprecating humor the author has. amused at how much of the lists were similar to my own personal list, i asked her "am i really 'white'?" with air-quotes. i use the air quotes because, i am racially asian.

no sooner had those words left my mouth, when she not only replied with hesitation but also with a smile. the smile that you know comes to hide the strain to hold back the words in her head and to find the time to re-arrange them when it comes out. a mona lisa of-course-you-air-head-i-cant-believe-you-had-to-ask-me-that smile. a beautiful but unenigmatic smile. its the smile every guy doesnt want to see.

so, after what seemed like hours of listening to how much most of my life, my choices, my way of thinking, mimics the culture. the devil on my shoulder couldn't hold it anymore and bent over to my ear and said 'so, why is she with you?'

luckily, i dont listen to phantasms of shoulder-sitting devils completely. and while it was that question that i heard in my ears, my mind understood a different one.

Should we love someone inspite of the differences or should we love someone despite of it?

What draws the line between ever-after and settling?

Morning Pill #17

2010-03-13T18:52:00.000-08:00

"throw your heart out in front of you and run ahead to catch it, whatever you desire just imagine it right in front of you and grab it" - arabian proverb.

must we idly sit and type away our problems. again. throwing the things around in our head. each tumble scratching and tearing ourselves from the inside.

oh to be young and fearless. to be invincible. when falling down was welcomed and dusting off, all but a game.

but the times have changed us. and our hide has thickened through the friendless times and weary of the dreams that have remained dreams.

we must break free. find the courage to break free and when courage is hard to find, look to your sun. look to your north pole. and when that is not where it used to be...

throw your heart in front of you and run ahead to catch it.

The Joy of Sadness

2009-10-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

people need to open their eyes. they need to take their surroundings in, inhale, tell themselves "yes, life, keep them coming.", and then exhale.

"Calm down Deep breaths

And get yourself dressed

instead Of running around

And pulling on your threads and

Breaking yourself up"

see, most of the time we say to life "stop. why? why me? why now? why not him or her?" that is not how we grow. when we say no to life, we lose the precious gift life gives us. we lose the experience. we lose the knowledge of living through it.

"And hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way"

sometimes life moves at a pace so slow, we think it has come to a halt and sometimes, life happens in a blur. like the rain that pours to swallow the cities, life can catch us unaware and trapped in the tin rooftops of our sanity. soaked and shivering, we cower at our misfortune.

"Everything Are the details in the fabric

Are the things that make you panic

Are your thoughts results of static cling "

- Details in the Fabric, Jason Mraz Feat. James Morrison

so i say to take a closer look at your life right now. Take it all in- the sadness, the pain, the laughter and say Yes.

Yes, Life, Keep them coming.

Morning Pill # 16

2009-10-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

Here I am again in between the plastic chair and the life-facsimile of the screen. It has been quite quite some time. And my god a lot has happened. I found love, which is why I have decided my writings will not contain any more of what we have. I have understood that love in its truest form can not exist in one person.

there is no "love" inside a person.

that is a false statement. because love is an action. it needs a receiver and a giver.

it is what connects people. that is where love is, in the connections we share.

you cannot keep love to yourself and say i am full of love.

so, the love i found is not mine to own. it is not mine to write but ours to experience. :)

What Do You Dream When You Are Awake?

2009-04-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

it is the realization of the things that have been,

in our personal silences, that we find what our life has become.

"But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms We cannot weather"

- Victor Hugo, "Les Miserables"

so, as the soft rustling of my tin fan goes on,

i sit trying to make sense of what i see. it has been quite

a time since i've tried the art of making sense of it all.

...

maybe this is not what i have dreamed,

and in some ways, i have lost battles

and in some ways, i have won battles.

and in the most minute of ways, i grew.

and in the grandest, i found my happiness.

and in some ways, i continue to dream.

Where Do You Live?

2008-10-18T16:01:00.000-07:00

A measure of how happy a person is when he fails to

see the present and lives in anywhere but in it.

do not live in the past. do not live it. it is meant to

be remembered and not relived. it will remind us

of what we were and were not. it is not who we

are or are not.

do not long for the future. do not rehearse it. you cannot.

it cannot be controlled, at best, you can plan for it.

you cannot plan it. the future will happen whether

you let it or not.

Dream Catchers

2008-10-03T01:37:00.000-07:00

I used to know people who say "I will use my life to change people."

They are the ones who sparkle in their naive optimism.

They are the fledglings of life's ironies.

I used to know them because I walked with them, among them.

We were of the same people.

"There’s a place I go. When I’m alone Do anything I want. Be anyone I wanna be"

And then the nuances of life stacked up on us and slowly, life changed us. People change lives. Life changes people. It is the proverbial domino stack. You would think you can go and say, "Tomorrow, I will grow up. I will outgrow my pain."

"But it is us I see And I cannot believe I’m fallin That’s where I’m goin Where are you goin"

I see the same People Fall into Love. Come out of love. We are changed by the Life we are living. Do we become better because of change? I don't believe that is the point. We live because we want to experience. We live because we are alive. And through all the living we went through, we are changed. And that is always a good thing.

"See you as a mountain, A fountain, a God. See you as as a descant soul In the setting sun. You as a sound, just as silent as none."

"Dream Catch Me - Newton Faulkner"

Morning Pill #15

2008-08-20T13:11:00.000-07:00

The stars are not where they used to be. My north star has left me. they are all a massive chaos of white untelling blips of lights across the black sky and i am a silhouette walking through the darkness. my compasses have left me. which way is north? which way is east? south or west?

i stretch my arms in the dark and as my eyes adjust to the dark. i get the strangest feeling that i recognize what i am not seeing.

i am seeing maturity. there are no more guides. just my feet to take me where and my flailing arms to keep my balance.

First Crime

2008-06-13T05:41:00.000-07:00

i dreamt i gave my bastard child up for adoption.

i dreamt of her head cut off with a small silver knife and

when i woke up from the dream i was sweaty and shaking.

"leave me out with the waste, this is not what i do..."

i was not so much scared at the flashing images as i was terrified of the honesty I saw in everything. it was not about the baby. it was not about the murder. in the dream, i saw everything clearly. the fear of commitment. the fear of being chained down. my white whale.

"its the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you..."

before i gave the infant up, i was so happy of it. an achievement. a miracle. but as with any achievement in my life, the novelty wore off and i was left bored with it. i got bored with the life i created. the prospect of boredom changed to fear of being routinary.

"is that all right with you? is that all right..."

The Life I've Always Wanted

2008-05-19T02:23:00.000-07:00

ever since i could remember, i have plotted, complained, whined my way through my writing about what's wrong with my life and how i would fix it. well, now, i look at my life and i have checked everything thats wrong in my list. i went through my list and checked them twice.

the life that i've always wanted, that i've made for myself was not living up to my expectations.

when you give up on lov... something, don't be surprised

when lo...it gives up on you.

Morning Pill # 14

2008-03-11T22:11:00.001-07:00

"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you

But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late..."

***

Well would you look at that, there's a song for that too.

A Certain Amount of Everyone

2008-02-01T17:04:00.001-08:00

Somewhere along the bitterness

Beneath the raging fury

amidst the unreason

there is love

Pained and Misunderstood

There is Frustration

Alone and Needing

There is Hurt

Bleeding, bleeding, Barely Breathing.

It's Not What It Seems...Really

2008-01-30T03:04:00.000-08:00

Somewhere along the bitterness
Beneath the seething fury
Amidst the unreason
There is love.
Pained and misunderstood.
There is frustration.
Alone and Needing
There is hurt.
Bleeding, barely breathing.

Sad People

2008-01-28T00:37:00.000-08:00

these people they do not walk

these people they trudge.

these people they do not move on

these people they remain.

these people they live with us

these people they are dying.

these people they do not speak

these peole they wail.

people are sad not because they refuse,

but because life has refused them of their joy.

Let It Find You.

2008-01-28T00:21:00.000-08:00

the difficult part of loving is not to love. I found this out the hard way.

we learn to love something or someone. we learn to adapt to the necessity of the instance. all our lives, we keep searching for someone to love, for the right person, the right moment.

to love is within us.

however, i found out that the difficult part of loving is not in the loving.

the most difficult part is to find that someone to love you back in return.

find someone who loves you back.

so if you feel that way to someone, tell them.

brave the dark seas of humiliation and the thunderous storm clouds of fear and tell them how you feel.

silence them all with your words.

Morning Pill # 13

2007-12-02T00:02:00.000-08:00

"i love you more than i could promise..."
-The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson-

The Only Way To Live

2006-11-29T02:09:00.000-08:00

i do not want to envy.
but how come your stones are shinier than my silver?

i do not want to hate.
but how come everyone loves you more than they like me?

i am not insecure.
but why is your hair so much better than mine?

i do not want to complain.
but why does it seem like i have it worse than others?

i want for the world to stop. for time to halt. for lives to pause. so that i may point out my mistakes to myself and fix them. so that when the world begins anew, no one will have noticed me fixing myself. and when
they see me, i am fixed. imperfect, but fixed.

but it doesnt stop, doesnt it?
and when you try to fix yourself without the world noticing,
you miss a few spots.
your tucked shirt may seem perfect up front, but its haphazard from the back.
your shoes may be shiny but your socks do not match your belt.
your collar may be crisply folded, but your sleeves are lousy.
your hair may look perfect, but only when its damp.
and in the end, you are half-fixed.
you are still damaged. you will still need mending.

My Plea

2006-10-09T07:57:00.000-07:00

Please.

Dont play god.

Not even God does that.

People Are Skin-ny

2006-10-06T04:12:00.000-07:00

//its all in the skin.//

i can put up a smile and people will think i am happy.

i can put up a frown and people will think i am in trouble.

i can put up a smile and poeple will think i must be a simpleton.

i can put up a frown and people will think i am being difficult.

i can let out a laugh and people will think i am enjoying the moment.

i can quiet down and people will think i am serious.

i can let out a laugh and people will think i am okay with things.

i can quiet down and people will think i hate them.

its all in the skin.

// reality can be so superficial. //

Morning Pill # 12

2006-10-06T03:44:00.000-07:00

there are wounds that do not heal.

these wounds, you will carry on your deathbed.

these wounds, they will kill you.

it is not disease. it is not a gunshot to the head.

those things will not kill you.

these wounds will.

stare down at your chest and look deep down.

you will find your wound.

what will you do?

My Headset

2006-08-14T10:05:00.000-07:00

when i get angry or sad or any emotional high, i go into this zone. i just zero in on that moment and everything else sort of gets blurry and fall into the back. it probably started young for me. you see, growing up for me was not the sepia colored memory others would normally cherish. i was the middle son of three in a large and connected family. And if you grow up in a large family, you realize early on that parents are only human and only have enough attention to those who stand out. i unfortunately did not. i was a skinny bookreader who talked in my head and overanalyzed things. i was the one who would purposely would lose a game because i would feel bad at the kid and then get teased by 8year old smack talk. afterwards, i would beat myself up for being a loser. thus, i came up with defense mechanism of just zeroing on one emotion at a time. when you grow up in an environment where your best quality is to eat, you end up getting a beaten ego who overpleases and diabetes. its just easier that way.

and so naturally, with my boundless insecurities, i chose a job that i dont have to face people. once that headset is on my head and the calls start pouring in, i get to forget everything else and focus. one emotional ride at a time. you see, in my work, it was interesting to see how people deal with their own emotional rides. there was bubbles. you see, bubbles is the girl that goes to work smiling because if god forbid, she should show just a slight of frown then it could just come crashing down on her and well, she cant take it. bubbles has had her own fair shair of problems. bubbles handles her problems in the same way most people do. denial and superposition. by taking an superficial emotion and using it at as the proverbial plunger and ram it in to keep it all inside. and then theres leroy brown. leroy brown is your officemate that has been through life and somehow has been dealt with the right cards most of the time. leroy brown grew up and thoguht he had life all figured...then something so traumatic happened that leroy got so scared and well...he threw up his hands, walked off and so far hasnt come back from his 15minute break at living his life. leroy is stuck at his own 15minute break in limbo and is too scared to try again because he has had little experience in failure in life. now, leroy has found complications even when in limbo. he knows that sooner or later, he has got to get back and live in the world with the rest of us. theres also mary alice pinstripe pants or mapp for short. mapp comes in all strong willed because she came from a hardknocked life and she believes because of her problems that she went through, shes stronger than everyone else. she believes that she deserves special treatment and that everyone is so in the world because she wills it and should she so choose, throw the world in chaos. however, when mapp stumbles upon someone who could not have cared less for her smokes and mirros, well, mapp doesnt take it lightly. mapp is your officemate that thinks people in higher positions do not deserve it but is scared enough to step into their shoes.

and so, as the world continues, it takes me my headset to get through it all. insulin would have to come in when needed.

Morning Pill #11

2006-08-11T16:39:00.000-07:00

it is when you know that you are not in control

and you relinquish to your helplessness that

we become the most powerful and truly free.

people will do anything to be in power,

even for just the illusion of it.

There Is No Rest

2006-07-18T01:00:00.000-07:00

being true to yourself can come in a lot of forms. there is being true to a belief - a set of code that we may try to stay as true as possible. when people enter into a company, a little club or even a religion, they follow a certain creed. the catholics call it their cross. the lawyers call it the constitution and even the hopeless romantics have one. its called romantic comedies or as is more common today, tragimedy. there is also being true to another person - a loved one, a supervisor, a friend. it doesnt matter who it is, its being really authentic to them with what you feel and what you do. whether it is toning down the degree of honesty or simply hurling it to the wind the bareness of it. and lastly, there is being true to oneself. i could not help but smile when i read in a blog from a college friend of mine regarding what i think is one of the best description of self-authenticity:

"even for a moment we cannot rest our eyes...

because for the most part of our lives, they continue to lurk deep into our souls,

searching for whatever it is we have been looking for"

-author-

the eyes that really see the things that matter do not rest when we shut our eyes for it continues to bore into our very selves without respite. it peels away that what which does not matter. it asks us the very important questions that we have to get through every day.

are you happy?

is this what makes you happy?

and my favorite..

the things that you did, the people that you stepped on, the people that you helped

was it all, and i mean every dark bit of it all,

was it worth it?

...And if your lucky, you will get that answer.

for some people it may break them down. it will drive them insane.

for some, it will make them put a bullet through their head. for the most part,

the answer they will get they will not hear. but if you listen closely and you have been true to yourself,

you will hear the answer and it will make you smile because you will know its true.

Morning Pill #10

2006-07-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

sometimes all you need is a good song to get through the day.

***

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

- How to Save a Life by the Fray -

Aftercall

2006-07-01T02:06:00.000-07:00

it's weird how i have been keeping this mishmash of a journal without mentioning work. Ha! God I hope its not that i could be ashamed of it. Of course its not that. if anything i am proud of what i do and how much i earn... or how much i earned it.

Coming to work you come to understand how people are lonely, if only we listen close enough. its such a universal denominator. Loneliness. People react differently to loneliness. my friend for one surrounds himself with people everyday even if through the conversations get to be monotonous. i know someone who uses work as a preoccupation. as for me, i deal loneliness in the only way i know how. to face it in the face and indulge. and maybe perhaps, after that i get to write about it as i pass by.

every week we talk to hundreds of people. And they come in with their problems while we listen. its a wonder really how we manage to filter out the connection to as inhuman as possible. i guess its what we have to do so that somehow at the end of the day, we come out intact. i honestly think that when two people talk, i mean really talk. they share and leave a piece of themselves with that other person. so i guess, we do what we can do. we detach ourselves and at the same time maintain the illusion of human warmth. its not because we dont care.

i think its because its the only way we can get up the next day without hanging ourselves.

Morning Pill #9

2006-06-17T01:19:00.000-07:00

its all calm right now. unperturbable calmness.

the strange thing about it is, i never thought that in the middle of my calmness, i would prevail.

it was my fear that if i let go of the chaos, it would kill me. i thought it was the chaos that held me together.

i think it is really a matter of finding yourself. no matter how small an idea of who you are might be.

that inkling of a knowledge of who you are is enough to get you through.

Passing Into Myth

2006-02-26T15:01:00.000-08:00

After the break up…I felt the familiar feeling that I got when my father passed away. For the second time in my life, I felt totally alone. total loneliness. usually when i felt down and depressed, one look from her would take it all away. would make it melt away.

Morning Pill #8

2006-01-30T10:09:00.000-08:00

UPSIDE DOWN by Mind To Crack

I.
I've been spending some time
thinking of you at night
don't know if I can really make it tonight,
lie awake in the dark,
come down then I start,
thinking about you is almost breaking my heart.
I don't know where I went wrong, or what's going on,
baby, I feel like a lover tonight
should I stay, should I go?
well, I really don't know.
lately I've been missing you so.

Chorus:
Baby, you don't understand our love lies lost
but you're still holding my hand.
Oh and then you walk away,
Just as I, I wanted to say

You're turning me on,
you turn me around,
you turn me whole world upside down.
(repeat 2nd stanza of chorus)

II.
Everytime I hurt you, well it's hurting me too.
Don't know if I could really stay here tonight.
Tired of thinking of you,
And everything that you do
tell me what am I supposed to do.
Well, I just wanted to say that I need you today.
Tell me it's all gonna work out alright.
I don't know where I should I start,
but with all of my heart
baby let me be your lover tonight.

***

i cant tell you if its going to work out fine and dandy because i dont know.

but if youre there, im there. and i'd rather face those uphill climbs with you than alone.

Side Effect

2006-01-25T08:27:00.000-08:00

Don't think that the Universe has picked you from the multitude to pick on you.

no, because that would be redundant.

The Dialogue with the Emperor of Rhetoric

2006-01-24T12:55:00.000-08:00

when does suggestion become coercion? when does it become forced? what draws the line between? only the emperor knows. this is one of those journeys that is laced with regret. it is one of those itches that give excruciating pain when scratched. in my quest for answers i had come into the penultimate misfortune of having the answers handed to me from the emperor himself.

i met the emperor sitting on his chariot being dragged grudgingly by a slave race known as Hisego. apparently, the emperor employs Hisegos all throughout his kingdom. but what surprised me the most was the small choir of Hisegos trailing behind the chariot belting out praise and adulation to the emperor. the emperor, sporting a frown turned to the choir and silenced them with a wave from his hand. i think one of the female collapsed from this unexpected attention now, it was my turn to be nervous as the emperor beckoned me to him while rising up from his chair. still with a stern look pointed to a room with the doors open into one of his chambers . i followed the emperor to a room with a table and two chairs opposite each other. these chairs had those tall backs with ornate carvings of people bent in weird places. i seated myself on one chair being pointed by one of his servants. i didn't notice this before but i think the emperor's chair did not have four legs to support it but had a Hisego on all fours to raise it.

at this point, i recorded the entire conversation with utmost care for the emperor's words that i wrote them down exactly as he spoke them.

emperor: "my advisers tell me that you have questions you mean to ask me."

author: "ah yes. yes i do. i have come long and far from the island beyond and i apologise for looking a bit disheveled from the travel as i have been awake all night long.

emperor: "it does not suprise me. with your youth, i know you must have wasted the night with this horrible horrible youth acts. youth." he paused and grunted. "i ask first writer, when you do those things that the young do at night... do you learn anything from it? why do it? i cannot for my wisdom think why."

author: "exactly why we do it...exactly...i do not know. its one of the unknown i have yet to find. like it is that they say..."

emperor: "youth is wasted on the young?"

Morning Pill # 7

2006-01-24T12:34:00.000-08:00

\Walk Away\

i move with the sound

of the stringed;

of the warmth

of the strings

I sway with the tone

of the bass;

of the taut

of your embrace

I fall with the tones

of the keyed;

of the black and the white

of the ivory flight.

My Old Friend For A Visit

2006-01-23T13:42:00.000-08:00

i should be angry at her.

i shouldn't be able to tolerate thinking about her or feel her. But see, that's the thing about loving someone so purely. true, i do feel the anger, the hurt, the pain, but there is always the love that accompanies it. it's there. it reminds me and tellms that all these will pass and all that will be left will be the love. it tells me to hang on a little bit longer. just a little bit longer. there are no words coming right now. just pain and confusion. my old friend.

Morning Pill #6

2006-01-23T13:38:00.000-08:00

>> the foolish trader <<

what i would exchange for a touch?

for a smile, i would trade my frowns.

for a peal of laughter, i would cry in secret.

and holding her, i would give...alas

but she does not let her hold me

and if her time is more precious than gold.

i would give my diamonds.

and for her heart, well

her heart i would my soul.

The First Day

2006-01-23T13:30:00.000-08:00

it was the end of my first day off of the year and it was becoming relentlessly apparent to me that i was missing her. somehow not being able to show up on the first day was going to be a problem, more so for me had i known earlier. we had agreed to meet up somewhere to do something but i had misjudged how exhausted i was. in fact, i was too exhausted to tell her i wouldn't be able to show. of course, i apologized as soon as i could. i thought that was already water under the bridge but my naivete with relationships had one up its sleeve. our last communication was over the phone. mostly i apologized. and tried to schedule when we can be together. but what strick the most was the part when she asked what we were going to do. "Would it be the same? Don't you think its getting... kinda boring?"

and now, my electronic friend i have to say, i am at a loss. how do you keep someone's interest? how do you cope with losing your partner's interest? i think that the start of relationship is founded on on being interested. because if you are not interested, why bother? if relationships are then founded on interest, what happens when someone loses interest? does it spell the death of the relationship? in the end, are people in relationships burdened with the task of juggling knives and breathing fire to keep the audience of one interested? No, it doesnt have to be huge explosions or break-neck adventures. Sometimes, routine can be comforting. because isnt everyday spontaneity routinely? but it does make you think doesnt it...?

An Anthem For Them

2005-10-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

the wait

the loneliest wait of all
is to wait in love for love's sake
the love unrequited for love untold
for the unspoken timelessness' sake
to smell, to feel the golden strand
to glimpse, to hold perchance
for always the love sought at hand
exists in but a fleeting glance
and the morrow unsure
a fool's hope though frail endure
in the still air, unbroken and whole
i wait the loneliest wait of all.

Morning Pill #5 it is SO over

2005-09-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

i wish to have the ability to orate long strings of utter profanity.

i dont think im really angry. anger would be a luxury. i dont think im happy as well. no.

apathy.

its all calloused now. unfeeling.

i am the gray color.

i think i fried my organ for feeling as a survival mechanism. because THAT was too traumatic if i let that one in.

the trick ? Lie. Lie to yourself.

Because when i saw her, it beat. and i had to crush that which beats.

make it still.

crushed.

it doesnt beat anymore.

i am smile.

The Other Side of the Hand

2005-07-05T04:54:00.000-07:00

where to start where to start. should i start that i get lost staring into her? should i start that my mind stops working when i brush by her skin, let alone hold her? should i start that i break out into a stupid smile everytime she goes into my line of sight? no. let me start with the fact that i saw her smile while she stared at me. close. close to me. everything was perfect for one night. poets write for those kinds of nights when you secretly hide holding hands like little children under the table or behind each other; when you cant get your hands off each other. its those time when you hate yourself for waking up ending a dream about her because youre lucidly thinking of her.

the wait just got a whole lot better.

Wimbledon 2005

2005-07-04T02:15:00.000-07:00

tennis has a new god and his name is Roger Federer.

"...potentially the greatest player of all time."

that is all.

Morning Pill #4: Unbeaten

2005-07-04T01:40:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought things are starting to look better, just when you thought youve won and beaten all the odds,

Life, as life would have it, never goes down empty handed.

fact: no matter how good you are, doing all the right things doesn't guarantee things will come out the right way.

because that would just be too fuckin' easy.

The Dignity of Quitting

2005-04-06T10:52:00.000-07:00

one way of making it through the day without any quandaries

is to take that thing, that object that you detest the most and shove

it deep deep down inside.

why?

because sometimes, we are too tired to fight for it; because sometimes, effortless defeat is better than sweating out a victory. simply, we can only remain steadfast for so long before we brace the crashing waves.

is there dignity in a premeditated defeat? when we opt to lose because fighting isn't worth it anymore, is there dignity to be salvaged?

come on.

when you are tired, don't be afraid. let go.

let go

the drop does not take too long nor does it hurt that much.

does it hurt?

Morning Pill #3

2005-03-05T06:57:00.000-08:00

i am happy now.

and thats all there is to it.

happiness is rare.

And she said "Hey..."

2005-02-19T07:56:00.000-08:00

have you ever tried waiting for something to happen so badly? have you ever tried waiting on someone? you wait for it to happen so much that its impossible for it to not happen. and then it does not happen. in your heart's eye you see it happening. you see yourself with that person being totally happy. and in your heart's eye it remains.

thats alice.

she has the tranquil dawn for her voice. the sun's golden rays for her laughter. the romantic sunset for her eyes. the moonbeam for her hair. and my heart around her finger.

lostinwaiting i waited for her. lostinwaiting

when youre in love, you feel like you dont grow old. you feel as if the world is standing perfectly still. like a perfect picture in time. so perfect. you think you can do anything. but of course you cant.

for someone who was never shown love, how can he know it. he cannot know it. and the only for him to know what love is...is to love and hope to be loved.

when you like someone, you tell her. and if you like her so much, that person will like you back. of course. thats the way love goes.

no. of course not.

silly me. silly silly me...

In the Company of Monkeys

2005-02-09T03:27:00.000-08:00

i think i read it somewhere that accountability is a matter of integrity. back in college, i remember a story by one of our teacher. it went something like this.

***

there were two gardeners who were charged to build a garden fence on different pots. the owners of the gardens specifically told them that they wanted the kind of fences that their plants could climb and wrap around to. the first gardener set-up substandard wood as the spine of the fence while the second gardener used the top of the line wood. so the first gardener came up to the second and asked him "you dont really need those pricy wood right? and dont even bother building it correctly. its going to be covered with the plant anyway. no is going to notice that you didnt do it properly." to this the first gardener said "but i will know."

***

accountability in the workplace is so superficial today. integrity is nonexistent. learn to cover your ass and plug your ears.

No One Is Black & White (Not even you)

2005-02-02T21:53:00.000-08:00

there comes a time in every man's life when he finds out that what he has done, what he has achieved, what he has been working at, in the eyes of another person, is mediocre. it is very hard to look at an accomplishment and see the value of the hard work behind it. it is very hard for someone to appraise the value of work when it is not his.

it became distinctly clear to me that my "boss" thinks i am an idiot. incapable of sensible thought. it became distinctly clear that my "superior" was mistaken. i could have gotten into the room with a sense of utter academic accomplishment embeleshing out philosophical bruhahas right and left. [however, before anything else, i feel compelled to say that the feeling is mutual.] instead, i came into the room coming across as this idiot when i walked dragging my feet. i came into the room coming off with an iq of a carrot stick when i talked like a seven year old asking mundane questions. maybe it was because i have already been those things. i already tried walking around tall and proper talking like an adult talking about politics . i found it boring.

in the workplace, its about power and control. he who controls, enjoys. he who has power can control. the workplace is one big battleground for power, really. and added to that, the people who are in control and in power, everything is built around them. culture. values. reality. when you work for someone, reality is subject to that person. because no matter how smart or saintly or humorous you are, these things will have to be calibrated against your boss' view for such things. you have your boss and then there is the reality of the workplace built around that person's perception.

>>professionalism means having to set yourself against the standard of your superior.<<

does my frustration bring you joy? how pleasant. Ü

Faces of Masks of Faces

2005-01-21T19:46:00.000-08:00

As you may have read now from my first post, my childhood was a bitter disappointment of underachievement. sympathy got the better of me. my life up to that moment was very limited and freeing at the same time. my world then was school, house, neighborhood, books, tv, and myself. that was it. i shuddered to think what was beyond those places. but as time would have its bizarre sense of humor, life turned everything to chaos. life gave me college. pre-adult years. as if battling and negotiating and at times surrendering to my hormones was not enough, life had to immerse me in a new society. - a group of people that was probably as confused as i am. And if they were, they sure knew how to hide it.

there i was, standing in the middle of this colossal edifice that was to be my university filled with faces and masks. i stood there and asked myself, "what the fuck am i doing here?"

however, as with all of my twisted and gray memories, most of which that i can recall are those that i did not understand. those memories, i see them in vivid colors.

woe is the man who has settled his eyes on a woman for the first time. it is a totally unsettling feeling.

i felt a strange machinery inside me awoke. i felt b e t r a y e d by my body that it created this 'monstrosity' without my knowledge. truly, woe is the man.

what i know now, i did not know then. i did not know then that this monstrosity would be the bulk of my very being now and i succumbed.

And then i met alice. oh alice where do i start. did it ever end?

Morning Pill #2

2005-01-18T19:04:00.000-08:00

some say it was courage ('k&r-ij) and yet some may call it audacity. throwing caution to the wind. i told you. i told you every thing. every thing. of course at that moment you could have placed my sanity at your heels and crush('kr&sh) it. lo, you did not. you smiled....smiled.

smile.smile.smile.smile.smile.

miles of slimes of lies. miles of slimes of lies.miles of slimes of lies.miles of slimes of lies.miles of slimes of lies.miles of slimes of lies.miles of slimes .

people dont smile anymore.

people should smile more often.

you.

smile. :)

now, are you smiling?

People Are Not Lego

2005-01-18T04:03:00.000-08:00

there are 6,413,283,892i people right now in the world. there are 6,413,283,892 categories of how a person should be. I hate it when people try to fit me in a category. they try to fit me into this cut-out idea of what they want me t o be or what they know people should be. people shouldnt be anything else but people. fitting them into an idea or concept would mean to cut out all those that do not fit. theyre sick. sick close minded retards. please dont try to fit me into your onesided categories of how a person should be. am i supposed to be snipped and cut to fit an acceptable idea of how a person should be? please. its one thing to accept and another to be acceptable.

God knows where you fit yourself!

fucking retard.

>fucking retard.<

i guess its part of how their minds tend to make up for the stuff they cannot grasp of. i hate to be the one telling them to not make up stuff. it makes me look like a smart asshole...and im not a smart asshole. or i dont want to be one. i make a conscious effort to not become one...unlike you.

i have to ask myself, "how many categories of people do you know?".

go figure.

Morning Pill

2005-01-13T20:31:00.000-08:00

I like you. But i cant tell you that to your face. I might sound desperate. You might go away. You might leave me. I have to find some shitty romantic creative crap to say it. Love does not have to be creative. Love is not only for the artistic. Love is also for morons. when is love for me?love for me?love for me?VEIL ME FOR SO ...

NO NORM TACIT? CRAM INTO NOT.

Phony Masks of the Fantabulous

2005-01-13T20:15:00.000-08:00

There are people who are happy. There are people who are sad. There are people who are good. There are people who are bad. These people are people and should be treated as such. But none compares to the kind of people who are uncomfortable when they are surrounded with the same kind as them. These kinds of people are little cancer cells. They feed on everyone. They feed on everyone's expense. Becaue somehow, and today it still escapes me why, these people are not satisfied by just being happy. Oh no. They have to find someone in misery to promote their happiness. These people are assholes. Fucked up assholes. They wake up and see the world is bright and sunny. They wake up and think the world's sun shines for me and all those who are happy like me. And they think to themselves, "Why...everyone's happy. and if everyone's happy, then no one is happier. oh that cant be. i have to be the happiest. there has to be someone who is sad today. hmm.. you. yes you by the road in your gray shirt. how come your sad? sad man. silly sad man. be happy. look at me. im happy. look at the rest of us. we are happy. being sad...its so bad. being happy...its so much better. we are better. ahh. life makes sense again. doesnt it? go along now. amuse us with your sad trappings and adventures. oh so sad. "
these people. i hate these people. so insecure. so afraid of those who dare to be unlike them. i guess it is fear. they fear because to us, their whole life is not premier. it is mundane. because to us their lives are normal. and they cant dare to be normal. And so this people go into society. here is a simple activity you can do to find out who these people are. when you meet this people, listen. listen to them as they talk about how fantabulous they have become. this shouldnt be hard. and when they ask you how you are doing...tell them your not like them. and that theyre so fantabulous. they will spread their cancerous veins to you and the feeding will begin.
it amazes me. them. they should be shot.

Self-Pity as a Poison

2004-12-19T04:32:00.000-08:00

Hello I am Holden. I am 22 years old and currently wallowing in my own pathetic oozy self-pity. just like you i was this hopeful wide-eyed person who assumed life was beautiful. life is a trickster. it tricks you into thinking that the world is hopeful using the power of "dawn". it tricks you into thinking there is sympathy using furry little critters hopping and popping. life tricks you into thinking that love is always possible using the cold dark city night as a backdrop and the glimmery almost watery lights of streetposts. it tricks you into thinking that invetiably you can overcome your obstacles. life is one big lie. Of course we are not all equal. Of course there are problems you cannot solve. Of course there are totally hopeless situations. and most painfully, Of course, Love cannot always succeed. perhaps you are slightly curious as to how i got myself here, after all, you did manage to get yourself in my page. quite frankly, i did not start out this way.

there was this almost mythological time when i believed in all of what life would have me believe. and i thought i was thriving in it. from the time we were born up until high school, life was a hazy rush of school and homework. its funny that as i try to recollect, most of the memories that stand out are those that reek of frailty, humiliation, and failure. i remember the time when the afternoons seem to be unending and the playgrounds enthralling. i spent my time reading and mostly indoors. whenever i was "winning" in some sort of game, i sympathized with the loser. so i tried to not really try at winning and i smily secretly seeing that my opponent has won. i think that was were it all began. someone had to be the loser. and everytime this was someone else, i wanted to protect him from it. somehow, this was some flaw in nature. why has there have to be a loser? and so it was with my childhood. i grew up underachieving in the hopes that everyone else would win.