Sunday, December 19, 2004

Self-Pity as a Poison

Hello I am Holden. I am 22 years old and currently wallowing in my own pathetic oozy self-pity. just like you i was this hopeful wide-eyed person who assumed life was beautiful. life is a trickster. it tricks you into thinking that the world is hopeful using the power of "dawn". it tricks you into thinking there is sympathy using furry little critters hopping and popping. life tricks you into thinking that love is always possible using the cold dark city night as a backdrop and the glimmery almost watery lights of streetposts. it tricks you into thinking that invetiably you can overcome your obstacles. life is one big lie. Of course we are not all equal. Of course there are problems you cannot solve. Of course there are totally hopeless situations. and most painfully, Of course, Love cannot always succeed. perhaps you are slightly curious as to how i got myself here, after all, you did manage to get yourself in my page. quite frankly, i did not start out this way.
there was this almost mythological time when i believed in all of what life would have me believe. and i thought i was thriving in it. from the time we were born up until high school, life was a hazy rush of school and homework. its funny that as i try to recollect, most of the memories that stand out are those that reek of frailty, humiliation, and failure. i remember the time when the afternoons seem to be unending and the playgrounds enthralling. i spent my time reading and mostly indoors. whenever i was "winning" in some sort of game, i sympathized with the loser. so i tried to not really try at winning and i smily secretly seeing that my opponent has won. i think that was were it all began. someone had to be the loser. and everytime this was someone else, i wanted to protect him from it. somehow, this was some flaw in nature. why has there have to be a loser? and so it was with my childhood. i grew up underachieving in the hopes that everyone else would win.