Monday, August 14, 2006

My Headset

when i get angry or sad or any emotional high, i go into this zone. i just zero in on that moment and everything else sort of gets blurry and fall into the back. it probably started young for me. you see, growing up for me was not the sepia colored memory others would normally cherish. i was the middle son of three in a large and connected family. And if you grow up in a large family, you realize early on that parents are only human and only have enough attention to those who stand out. i unfortunately did not. i was a skinny bookreader who talked in my head and overanalyzed things. i was the one who would purposely would lose a game because i would feel bad at the kid and then get teased by 8year old smack talk. afterwards, i would beat myself up for being a loser. thus, i came up with defense mechanism of just zeroing on one emotion at a time. when you grow up in an environment where your best quality is to eat, you end up getting a beaten ego who overpleases and diabetes. its just easier that way.

and so naturally, with my boundless insecurities, i chose a job that i dont have to face people. once that headset is on my head and the calls start pouring in, i get to forget everything else and focus. one emotional ride at a time. you see, in my work, it was interesting to see how people deal with their own emotional rides. there was bubbles. you see, bubbles is the girl that goes to work smiling because if god forbid, she should show just a slight of frown then it could just come crashing down on her and well, she cant take it. bubbles has had her own fair shair of problems. bubbles handles her problems in the same way most people do. denial and superposition. by taking an superficial emotion and using it at as the proverbial plunger and ram it in to keep it all inside. and then theres leroy brown. leroy brown is your officemate that has been through life and somehow has been dealt with the right cards most of the time. leroy brown grew up and thoguht he had life all figured...then something so traumatic happened that leroy got so scared and well...he threw up his hands, walked off and so far hasnt come back from his 15minute break at living his life. leroy is stuck at his own 15minute break in limbo and is too scared to try again because he has had little experience in failure in life. now, leroy has found complications even when in limbo. he knows that sooner or later, he has got to get back and live in the world with the rest of us. theres also mary alice pinstripe pants or mapp for short. mapp comes in all strong willed because she came from a hardknocked life and she believes because of her problems that she went through, shes stronger than everyone else. she believes that she deserves special treatment and that everyone is so in the world because she wills it and should she so choose, throw the world in chaos. however, when mapp stumbles upon someone who could not have cared less for her smokes and mirros, well, mapp doesnt take it lightly. mapp is your officemate that thinks people in higher positions do not deserve it but is scared enough to step into their shoes.

and so, as the world continues, it takes me my headset to get through it all. insulin would have to come in when needed.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Morning Pill #11

it is when you know that you are not in control
and you relinquish to your helplessness that
we become the most powerful and truly free.
people will do anything to be in power,
even for just the illusion of it.